New year, same lunch box

Over the summer Ben went to a special needs camp.  It was through the JCC, and was an inclusion camp.  The majority of kids were typical, with each bunk having the ability to have a couple of special needs kids.  Each special child was provided an advocate at no extra charge to give them the full camp experience.  My husband and I were SSOOOO Excited.  We had heard such wonderful things, wanted Ben to experience the lake, pools, great outdoors!!!  It wasn't cheap... but we just knew it would be worth it!  so we saved.. you get the idea.
We visited the camp 3 times to get Ben used to it, met with the advocate, who was in her final year as an OT student, and talked it up!!!
so......when he was asked not to come back, can you imagine?  This is the shit the devestates parents.
I don't know that the social workers, teachers, anyone who deals with our kids realizes the effects they have, at least on me. 
The camp director has called a couple of times to ask what to do when Ben get's upset.  He was starting to scratch, bite, and generally be quite difficult.  I told them to redirect him, get him interested in something else, and his attacking people was not the norm.
The down side to this camp was all campers have to follow the days agenda.  Forget that you have a child with serious communication problems, and trying to learn a vast array of new games, schedules, people may be a bit much.  Forget that they asked for and received an IEP, why... because he needs and individualized program.. right?  Isn't that why he's provided a 1:1.  Because he wouldn't be able to do the program like the other mates?  Yet... that's what was asked of him.
We had made it very clear that we only wanted Ben to be outside and have fun.  If he was on a swing, or laying beneath a tree looking at the clouds, but happy.. we'd be thrilled.  But no.  We were told not to bring him back.
Now remember, his father and I work FT.  Try finding child care, the last week of July, for a special needs child.  Easy right?
There just so happen to be a special needs daycare 1 town over.  They had an opening.  I began to feel a little hope.  I would be able to go to work and have Ben safe, and engaged.  HA!  When I took him, he was in rare form.  The heads of the school/daycare told me they would need him to have a 1:1, and by the time someone was trained, he'd be back in regular school for the year.  I had to get the hell out of there.  I didn't blame them, but I was going to lose it, and I hate doing that.
The same afternoon, we had a scheduled appt at Children's with Ben's Autism Dr.  We go up to see her, and Ben decideds he's going to scratch and pinch the beejeezes out of me.  The Dr had a student that day, and what a lesson this poor girl got.  I couldn't hold it together a minute longer.  I start crying (the ugly cry) and at the same time assuring them I'd be fine in just a minute.  They're staring at me, and very obviously could see Ben was having a bad day, as I reported the previous days camp termination, and that day's decline for daycare.
My mother took care of him the rest of the summer.  My mother moved in with me in June, and trust me, that's a WHIOLE other post.  She moved in with me, due to very poor choices, and quite frankly a good bit of laziness.  To top it off, she has breast cancer.  This was discovered after her poor choices got her in quite the whole.  When I give her the hairy eyeball for something she's done, not done, advice I never wanted....... AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
But, back to our main character...
Ben has now entered the 2nd grade. Time goes by entirely too fast. I think that's even a little more evident when you're the parent of a special needs child.
The future starts to consist of when he'll no longer be eligible for public education, where he can live, how about when something happens to us.
I completely adore Ben, but fear for his future on a daily basis. That will age you!
At the tender age of (let's just say over 40) I start to think about exercising to keep up with him, and stay alive. Forget the whole looking good. Who has time for that?
People say "make sure you take time for you and your husband".... really? Friends and family are afraid to take care of him. My mother will, but she stays in the house.
And yet, after all this, I'd still call myself a positive person... I think there reallly is alternative universes.