I want to scream

I love to give the finger to the universe. I swear I can do it, and there's no reprucsions.
HA! Every time a new drama/trauma comes along, I'll say "What else could happen?" My husband warns me not to do it, but... I laugh and say "Bring it on!"
So far this has gotten me:
My oldest child keeps going to AA. He'll go then stop. but, he keeps going back. He tells me that if he drinks, he REALLY drinks. He goes to meetings and wants to avoid putting in the 20+ years many of the other members have gone through and just quit now. His father l.o.s.e.r! tells him he's 23 and isn't going to quit. That's why I left his sorry ass! It's been 17 years since I dealt with that plague. Over the years, I mellowed, and forgot what an asshole he is. Never gave a SINGLE dollar toward his kids. Another who could whine, cry, about losing his boys, but did he put down the bottle and get a job to convince a judge he deserved time with them? NO! That would have needed effort, and he looks so good as a victim. Since the two older boys can now contact him when they want, they'll inform me of conversations with him, and I recall..... What an asshole!
My second oldest has mental health issues. As a teenage, he was intimidating, impossible, I can not express enough.
He quit school. I would go up, pry open his door, and try dragging a 6 foot, 200lb adolesent out of his bed. He would scream/threaten/push me out of his room. He would become physically agressive with my husband. I can't express the nightmare. The cherry on the pie, was when the police came and informed us there was nothing we could do until he turned 18. This was done in front of him, and you might as well of said let the games begin. Because after that... Hell was on earth.
I have many regrets about this time. I was concerned about the neighbors thoughts, etc. If I could go back in time (Oh genie please!) I would call the police every single day he refused to get out of bed and go to school. I would invoke any institution I could that would not allow his poor behaviour to get the results he looked for. I make no excuses. At the time, Ben was being diagnosed, my husband lost a job, we were on the border of divorce, money, you name it. I think I couldn't handle another thing.
He doesn't live with us anymore. He lives in a home that helps mentally ill kids. I don't know what to make of it. I swear I think sometimes he's living a self fullfiled prophecy. His father is on medication and disability. He was not mentally ill when he lived with me. An asshole YES. Mentally ill, No. The father's father. incredibly abusive, to his wife and children. Mentally ill? I don't know. An asshole... YES.
I don't know what to make of it.
Ben has autism. what more is there to say about that. Most times, I deal well. for whatever reason this weekend. I kept thinking, we're so not preparing. I was 38 when I had him. An older mother. Now with special needs, less time to be with him, less time to prepare. I quit smoking last year to try and increase my time with him, but what about financially. Like a couple of idiots, Brent and I go out to dinner, lunch on weekends, we haven't put away a single dime.
How is he going to live after we'er gone? Is some 7.50 and hour employee really going to invest in him? It's killing me. And like all bad habits, we're going to have to change our current ways and start socking it away.
Now, my mother calls me on Thursday and says she has a lump. Friday she goes and gets a mamogram and tells me she has breast cancer. I have to say I'm shocked the radiologist would diagnose her. but...
Tomorow I go to the surgeon with her to see what's up.
Her words to me are "I'm going to have to move in with you"
Keep in mind, she's been on unemployment for 2+ years. She left a job she had for 20+ years, that had no retirement fund, and she had no savings. She's run out of unemployment and can't afford her rent.
I feel like a corpse laying in a field with crows pecking at me. Really? Does she not feel like I have enough in my life right now? Has she looked for job, looked for cheaper houseing, done anything?
Am I really going to have to take this on too? Her easy answer is come and move my stuff, and take care of it so I don't have to. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a lot of questions right now, but the one question I'm not asking is what else......