ahhhh the holidays

When I look around blog land, it seems a lot of us have been taking some time off. I doubt many are relaxing, because it seems to be the rule.. you need a vacation, after your vacation.
Christmas in the Levin house was fun and festive. My oldest son living in Fl, returned for the holidays. His gift was the ticket (that's so I could be sure it was round-trip)(lol).
Santa was good to Ben. He got his first bicycle. Santa shopped at the neighborhood bike store. I like to give buisness to the little guy, and the shop does contribute a lot to causes.
Do you think the bike was the big oooohhhhh? No. The cheap $20.00 guitar is currently be coveted.
Ben likes to pass it to his father and me to play and sing. Neither of us can play, and trust me... neither of us can sing either! Yet... To Ben we might as well be playing Carnegie Hall.
The day after Christmas we went for a family breakfast at my brothers. They have 7 year old twins, a dog and were babysitting a dog. Ben does thrive in Chaos. Another thing we're lucky about. He can handle activity, noise, and non-routine activities. He took root, and after 5 hours when we were ready to go, had to drag him out without his coat or shoes. sigh... I'm exhausted!
Any plans for tonight you ask? Hell no! It almost annoys me I have to traditionally stay up until 12. We're typically lights off at 10:30.
We go to another party at my brothers tomorow. This is friends and family, so I'll have to keep a real eye out for Ben.
My sister-in-laws family travel with their dogs. That's a minimum of 3 dogs, 800 kids and 40 adults... (ok, i exagerate with the kids #, but if you were within 2miles, you'd swear there was 800 kids too!!!)
Happy New Year to all! And I hope that "special" wish comes true for everyone!!!!!

Karma, ying and yang, or Poetic Justice

There are things we are taught as youngsters that stick with us. Traits that are unbecoming.

Pride - I was prideful. It all began Thursday. I polished my furniture, windexed my windows, vacuamed and swept my floors. My house was looking good.... I was full of Pride. I swear I wasn't done putting the dining chairs back when I thought...huh... the dog and Ben are awlfully quiet. Ben was in my jewelry box, and Fletcher had "found" an entire sleeve of ritz crackers that he was eating in the den. When he saw me coming, he took off like a bat out of hell and ran through the living room and dining room trailing pieces behind him. I left the crumbs for 2 days.

Gluttony - I was at a b-day party on Sunday. I had taken a piece of cake and wasn't able to eat it do to Ben being on the move. I asked the hostess for a piece of plastic wrap, and she in turn carved a hunk of cake and wrapped it all up. I was looking forward to a BIG piece now. Got home, set it on the toaster, on the back of my counter. 15 minutes later, came to get Ben's milk and laughingly asked the dog "what are you doing". He turned and gave me a full frontal of a snout smeared with icing..... Damn it!

Pride cam back - Ok, I'm not talking to my husband. When I get mad I clean. If you were to come to my house, you'd assume I'm in a pretty good mood most of the time... heheheh. I scrubbed, scoured and generally cleaned every surface of my house. I bragged to friends and co-workers my house hasn't been this clean since the day I moved in. Yesterday Ben came home from school, dropped off his clothes as he walked and proceeded to pee on the bathroom door, floor, and rug. This is while I'm looking at total desecretion of the toilet paper the dog spent the day tearing up, as well as continuing to eat my faux tile floor. The house is back to normal

I still kissed Ben goodnight, and Fletcher got his nightly treat..... I'm still not talking to my husband....Somebody's got to pay LOL

Raymoor & Flannigan

Ben added two more things to his resume yesterday. While at school, he looked at his aid and saide"We have to go to the bathroom". She bought him in, and he did his business right away. Go Ben!
Later at home, he was jabbering, much of what I didn't understand before looking straight at me and saying "Raymoore and Flannigan". I don't know if they're a national store, but around my way it's a furniture store. Don't ask me how that caught his attention but.... ok
Yesterday was a stressful day. My older sons have been causing me mucho grey hair, and it doesn't look like I'll be getting any letup any time soon.
I'm completely stressed yesterday when I get to the daycare.... dummmdummdummmm (scary music). The owner/manager/who knows at the front starts wtih, can anyone from the school, county, state, etc.... come to the school to give them tips on dealing with Ben.
Ben is there typically from 3:30p-5:40p. Two and I'm going to say it FUCKING hours. I've had to have meetings with the two 19 year old girls, have them patronizing look at me everyday and exclaim, "We've had a pretty good day". He gets there, they're supposed to either go outside at 4 or into the makebelieve land they have(which sold me on the place) for a 1/2 hour. That takes us to 4:30. Are they really trying to make me believe that for 1 hour (while many kids are being picked up) Ben is that big of a handfull?????? Why can't I see it!!!!!
Ben does seem happy to go there, and I hate the thought of changing him again (though he is good with change) I pay 800 bucks a month, about 20.00 an hour.... Can't you just DEAL WITH IT and make him happy????
I hesitate to have someone come to my house. I'm afraid they'll sit him in front of the TV, what if they're late and the bus gets there, blah blah blah. I like the fact there's additional children for him to play with and learn from. Even if nobody notices him watching, I'm sure some of their play must get thru to him......

WAAAAAAAHHHHH...... That's what I felt like yesterday..... WAAAAAHHHHH
And not a drop of liquor in the house... maybe that was a good thing

a question

Here's a question. Have you ever found yourself enjoying the time you spend with your dog more rewarding then the time you spend with your kids. I'm not just including Ben, but the older boys also.
The dog appreciates you for what you do. He wants me to be involved with him, pet him, and never would complain "meatloaf again? He actually wants to make me happy, and at least bothers to fake feeling bad when I'm annoyed with him. Does it make me a bad person to need some form of validation for the daily crap I do!!!!
I'm just begining to feel a sting when Ben ignores every word out of my mouth.
Ben... come here please and get dried off. I know he hears me, and responds when its good for him. HAd I said "Get dressed for Chucky Cheese, you would have thought he was struck by lightning he would have moved so fast....That's probably some of the tough acceptance I go through. Whats on purpose and just plain ignoring me, and what can't be helped?
Why will he respond when the incentive is what he wants, but you'd think he was deaf when he's not interested.
Ben has also lately taken to pinching, slapping, and gave one hell of a bite to me the other night. This mainly takes place when I have him sitting on the potty. He's doing well with it, but never self initiates. I guess when he doesn't have to go, he's iritated, and has begun lashing out.
How does anyone discipline their autistic child? Before, we used to just redirect him, but there's no where to go when he's sitting on the pot. And after a pinch or slap, should I really ignore it and redirect>? Every parents experience... just not knowing.

Firsts

Today will be Ben's first day of outside OT. We have an appointment at the Weisman Center today. Ben will have his initial consultation, and then from here out OT every Thursday at 5:00. We're trying to get speach (which is our #1 concern), but it appears it's a busy little place and we're on a waiting list. The hard part for them to schedule is, we'd like back to back therapy's. Our insurance is fantastic! we get 90 therapy days per year. if to the two therapys are back to back on the same day, it still only counts as one day.
To be able to do this (get out of work 2 hours early) it makes sense I come in two hours early. I had to soft sell this to my boss. She really is very accomodating, and I work at a retirement community in HR. I was able to soft sell this as being available for the 11-7 shift once a week would be good pr for the department.
I HATE GETTING UP EARLY. 5AM is early enough, but the puppy decided he was done sleeping at 4AM. For some ungodly reason, Brent and I want him to sleep in bed with us. half the time he gets off the bed on the floor, so I'm not sure why we don't just put him in our bathroom like we had been. He wakes up and licks my face, and then to top it off.... ate my cell phone. Yup.. there it was... dented, screen cracked, you name it.
Well, my hope for tonight is, this will seem like more fun then work to ben. With his long days at school and daycare I don't want to fry him. OT typically is a "fun" time with various sensory activities etc, so I'll let you know.
Tomorow I have Ben's school conference... which as I mentioned in a previous post his teacher was expecting a baby... got the notice last night she went a month early and delivered yesterday. Good for her she's as sweet as could be. Fortunatley Ben's typically a smooth transitioner so I don't forsee any problems with him and a substitute.
till then.......

ebb and flow

I was pretty down last week. I was overwhelmed with a variety of issues. Nothing in my life seemed stable, with the exception of work.
Fighting the traffic, to get home and live in a bathroom, make a dinner, care for a dog.. too much
I wasn't speaking to my husband. The last words I said to him for 4 days was probably enough to hold him.
My other two boys are much older then Ben. they're 20 and 18. If you've ever heard the saying little kids, little problems, bigger kids, bigger problems.. Know that someone with experience uttered them first.

Then the weekend came. What I had been dreading. Well, it was actually better then I could have hoped.
Ben did EXCELLENT with his potty training. 2 accidents on Sat and a couple on Sun. We did not stay prisoners in the house as we had expected, just had Ben use MANY public potties. He went at Wegmans, Target, Friendly's, Starbucks, McDonalds.... why not get him used to variety?
The best fun I had with this experience is, Brent, Ben, Fletcher (dog) and I went to Haddonfield. Brent took Ben into Starbucks to "try" Well...... there was a BM waiting for Brent. He gets off Bens underwear and sits him on the pot to pee. He does, but that's after spreading his crap all over the toilet seat. When he's done, Brent is conscientiously cleaning it up, with Ben turning off the light every 10 seconds. Sooooo glad I was sitting on a park bench outside in 70 degree weather wondering what the hell was taking so long!
Ben is also very smart. With one of his accidents he removed his pants and underwear and hid them behind our recliner. If I don't see them, I don't know he went in his pants. Also, everytime he uses the potty his father or I will say "High Five!" If he doesn't feel like sitting he'll start yelling out "High Five!" with the hopes we'll be distracted and just let him down.
Gotta love that kid!

Last night was open arms at the NJ Discovery Museaum. I night for autistic kids and their families. We had a great time. Staff was great, the activities are fun, and it was free!. It's 10 minutes from our house, and we've been there 2 other times. Funny thing, each time we go, a new activity becomes a favorite. I had an interesting thought (at least to me), that last night I almost felt a little sorry for the higher functioning kids. The kids you couldn't really tell if they had an issue, and when they "acted out" didn't recieve the kindly smiles from the other parents, but the look like "is he picking on my kid". Now quite honestly, maybe some of the kids were just brats, but since I wasn't sure.... I packed my big bag of patience and rolled with all.

he cried

I have the distinct downfall of being the mother who just wants everybody to be happy. It doesn't work. Life is not all apple pie and roses, and when you try to create that environment, you set your kids up to be miserable. (as well as feel like your having a stroke 16 hours of the day)
I read the best blog yesterday that couldn't have come at a better time. It was on diary of a mom; http://jesswilson.wordpress.com/
It talks about a mom who at the time didn't understand why her child was crying, decided she was just throwing a tantrum,and later, when the autism was diagnosed the horrible guilt she had for disciplining her.
I can't say I've had that experience. I can't think of a time I ever thought Ben needed "discipline". We redirected him, and that always seemed to work. not bragging, he just was an easy kid. Lately he has taken to scratching and pinching us, which we stop him from doing. 1/2 the time he'll say when he's mad "don't pinch me" and if he says that, he won't pinch us... so he knows....
Well, potty training makes Ben cry. He doesn't like to sit there for 10 minutes. I have books, and his flashing toothbrush, etch a sketch, blah blah blah. When he has an accident, and we have to go to where the accident happened, then pull down wet pants, sit on the potty, pull up wet pants and go back to the scene of the accident FIVE times, he cries. I hate it.
My two saving graces was the post yesterday where the child showed the mother she understood the mother was sorry, and forgave her.
Additionally, the potty training steps say "this is not a fun time for the child" let me know, I'm not alone, and kids get thru it and over it.

update

Well, Ben's been in school for 3 and 1/2 hours. He's wet himself three times, soaked his shoes, and doesn't seem to care even a little. I told the school there's a second bag of clothes to go to after-care if they need it.
Isn't it wonderful already!!!

I know, keep your eyes on the prize. 80 dollars (at least) savings in diapers...and a big boy!

P-Day

Today is the day! we start potty training. Ben has scads of Yo Gabba Gabba underwear, Diego, Wonder Pets, and a six pack of Titey-Whitey's thrown in for good measure.
Well.... we throw him into a pair of Turtle Tucks.. Do our every 5 minute dry checks, and on the half hour, take him into the bathroom to sit for 10 minutes.
We're 4 minutes into it, and he wants to get up. No shock there. I'm holding him on the potty, trying to explain (haha) and he grabs ahold of the toilet lid. I try to scootch him back onto the potty, when he slips, dragging the toilet lid, and it slams him in the mouth. What a positive way to start the day!!!
He stayed dry the whole morning, which means he's going to pee and shit himself on the bus. I have no doubt, they don't pay those bus drivers enough.
It's Monday, I'm already tired, and after work, I have HELL to go home to. try to make dinner, and keep Ben dry.
The positive is, the other parents say it's not nearly as hard as they expected. Dare I hope?

Swine!

Anyone else on permanant Swine Flu alert. A couple of weeks ago, whenever Brent and I heard someone cough or sneeze, we'd look at each other and kiddingly say "Swine". Good fun...
Since then, I've heard of 5-6 people who actually have it... now there's a little cynicism in our "Swine" comments....
I've had an appt. at my pediatrician for about a month now to get Ben his regular flu shot on Wednesday. I've continued to call each week, as instructed by my pediatrician, to see when they'll get the H1N1 vaccine.
As tasked, I called again yesterday. Good news, it's in. I asked to have it tacked on to Ben's reg. flu shot for Wed. That's when they inform me, they're out of the reg. flu shot..... insert sound of head exploding... I then ask, if they're out of that, are they going to still have the H1N1 when I get there. They tell me to call 1-2 days before my appt to make sure.
Now I go on to tell them Ben goes to 2 schools. He's at the early learning center in the AM, and goes to daycare in the PM. 2x exposed to children....they still tell me "no sooner appts available." The worst part is, it's this young, pleasant, polite receptionist on the phone, so I can't even work up a good bitch. I hate that!!!
The state of NJ says all it's kids need the flu vaccine prior to Dec something or they can't come back to school. So.... I'll spend the next who knows how long trying to get the vaccinee, and then hoping they honor my appt.
By the way, I do love my pediatrician, so....onward

Does this mean I'm grounded?

We recieved the big news that Ben's potty training will begin the week of the 9th. The teacher asked us to review the procedure so we're all on the same page. I guess my only question is... are we grounded until he gets the whole idea of the potty? The procedure says that when Ben is going to the bathroom, without being taken, begin taking him out in public with a full bladder. Take him right to those filthy public toilets... bllaaahhhh... and get him used to going out of the house also....
We are NEVER home during the weekends... I don't know how we'll do it. We'll all be climbing the walls!
on the bright side, I was able to find my FIVE dollar sweat pants this weekend! Let's hear it for Kohl's. They truly are the best store out there. Nice quality clothes for the cheapest prices! We got Ben 3 pairs of pants, 2 shirts, and a 6 pack of socks for 31.00.... Baby Gap can kiss my Ass!
My mother bought Ben 4 pairs of pants and 3 shirts. We figured we're going to be deluged in urine... (expect the worst, embrace the best!)
While each morning Ben is happy to get onto the toilet, he consistantly pees on his legs. When I try to "push it down" he cuts the flow, and waits me out. I've even started laying a towel down in front of the pot and trying to let him get the flow going.... when you go so far there's no stopping, but my timinig just isn't there yet....
(What we're reduced to after having childre....)

"everybody's working for the weekend"

Ben loves the weekend. It's funny, at 4 what stresses does he feel the need to escape. Cramp in your finer painting finger? HA
Ben doesn't speak much, so to find out many things he uses cues. His biggest cue, is if my hair is wet in the morning, it's a school/work day. Dry and bushy and he's home free.
Typically, 9 times out of 10 I have to wake Ben during the week, weekends... he's the waker.
This morning he woke first. I hear him babbling away happy to himseld... I walk into the bedroom (with my wet hair).. he takes one look at me, shouts "WHAT!" and throws the blanket over his head.
It was one of those times when one word said it all.. and I let him know I feel the same way baby!

bang head here

Thank god it's Monday. Words you never want to have to say...

Anyone who lives in the Northeast could tell you it was a nasty weekend. Wet, chilly, cloudy. Yuck! Doesn't give a lot of opportunity to run a 5 month old puppy or a 4 year old sensory seaking preschooler. So.... we tried to make due!

Saturday, I was able to get the canine child out for a walk in the AM. Thank god there was a brief break. Brent didn't think it was a good idea to take Ben. Thought it was too chilly and ben's been fighting "something" for a week now.
When I got back from the walk we went to the Moorestown Mall. Had lunch at the foodcourt and Ben thru a bucks worth of pennies into the fountain. Kept him quiet and happy, so lunch was a positive. afterward, Ben ran (he knows his malls) to the skatepark they have in the mall. It really is pretty cool. They have all kinds of ramps, benches, railings, that the kids ride, hop, and damn near kill themselve on. (Bens just a watcher) They fall down, jump up, and try it again. Age made itself known with Brent and I acknowledging we'd be out of work a month if we took a single fall like them. Ahhhh fleeting youth.
We then went to Boscov's. I am cheap! I wanted to find sweatpants for Ben, and I was willing to spend $5 for them. Impossible you say????? welll you'd be right. We came home with nothing, which I then regretted, because they did have for $10 and they probably were worth it. Oh well.
We took a nap on Sat, for 2 hours. Again age pinched me on the ass because I didn't sleep well Sat night. It was only moments ago I could sleep 10 hours, nap and fall back to sleep with no issue.
Sunday, we went to 2 supermarkets and target. We had let the fridge, freezer, and pantry get down to nothing.... we spent over $300.00 making up for this, and that freaking hurt too.
On the way home Ben was sitting in the backseat. He said (nonverbal child that he is)" We'll go to PJ's and swim in his pool". I LOVE to reward communication, but when it's 45 degrees and the pool is closed.... not much I can do. I took him home, made a pot of lentil soup and cookies. He was still itching for some water, so I let him go in the shower. He took a 20 minute shower, got out, dried off, and conned his father into giving him a bath. (how? I can't get him to take something out of the freezer for dinner?) Well Ben is BIG drinker of bath water. He gets out and decides he doesn't want to wear his diaper..... Brent was letting him play in the play room upstairs....After the 3rd time he peed on the floor in the space of 20 minutes I had to send Brent (who NEVER gets annoyed or short with Ben) (Till the 3rd pee) out to smoke.
Ben still refused to wear his diaper but did pee on the potty.
Bens school will begin potty training in Nov. They have another child they're working with now, so I guess it's one at a time. I let them know we're ready when they are, so they sent home the procedure/process for potty trainng and autistic child. I started putting some of it to work (checks every 5 minutes etc) and we did get 2 more pees on the potty. I love that Ben is obviously proud of himself and recognizes how proud we are of him. He's so in there...
To reward him... what else.... Chuck E Cheese... how I hate that rat!
Glad it's Monday.

If anyone would like me to copy the procedure I have for autistic potty training here, please let me know. I would love to share with someone if they need it. I know I would have no idea if my sons teacher didn't send it home.....

A Mans World

I am so tired! Thank god it's the weekend.

It's a man's world. I wake up every day at 5:40 to walk/feed/water the dog. I pour Brents coffee and wake him in bed at 6:40.
I get my shower while he enjoys his coffee in bed, go up and get Ben up and dressed, bring him down and get his banana/donut/toast whatever.... BUT then brent moves. It's time for him to make the lunches.... Do you have any idea the procedure he makes out of it. How can it take 15 minutes to make 3 of the same sandwiches?????
I'm in the kitchen getting Bens fruit, cookies, juices, let the dog out again, brush my hair, put on my shoes, etc, etc.... until he's FINALLY done.
At night, I RUSH home to get Ben from daycare, run in the house to let the dog out, run to get the dinner started..... eat.... get ben bathed, read to and into bed.
I complained 3 weeks ago that I felt put upon. Why am I doing everything and he's watching me.. I think if he offered to do any of the above mentioned once a week it would be appreciated. After I complained he told me to make a schedule. I never did, and yet you'd think he'd of offered to do the above even ONCE. HA! there's one born every minute. TIRED!!!!
I've complained to friends and co-workers and hear the same thing.... DON'T DARE start doing it. It truly is easier sometimes to do things yourself and not rely on anyone else.
I'm extremely bitchy when it comes time to having to follow someone elses agenda. It is a downfall. The older I get, the less patients I have. It's obvious and not something I can deny. (this goes for everyone but Ben) (I have the patients of a saint with Ben)

Well, I've bitched, and feel someone better.... now I just have to make it thru Chucky Cheese again tonight.....FART!!!!

To Potty Train or not to Potty Train...That is the question

To Potty Train or not to Potty Train...That is the question. Says it all. Ben turned 4 in July, and we're begining to think about the whole next step.
Ben typically wakes up dry. The last week I've been putting him on the potty as soon as he wakes up, and he's been blessing the potty. Of course he does this after he's asked "donut?" and been assured his efforts will be rewarded. He pees and takes off down stairs with clothes to get the donut. I don't want his teeth to rot or fill up on crap, so I'm going to have to come up with a different reward for the long haul...
I saw another mom of bens classmates and she told me they're getting ready to start also. She told us the teacher sent home a paper with the multi-step procedure to autistic potty training. On the bright side she's only heard positive results from other parents.
I wonder if it's sheer laziness, or the unknown that's making me dread it. To be brutaly honest... diapers are easy! we can travel long stretches at a time, never have to take him into those public restrooms where all you do is shout "Don't touch that... dirty!"
But.... I think it's time. I do get a kick out of the whole take your child to the potty every 30 minutes and have them sit 10-20 minutes. When do I pee?
Other then that... I think Ben has seasonal allergies. He woke up this morning with chest congestion. It sounded like sh*t! All I kept thinking was "SWINE!" My mother says I'm obsessed, which would be hard to believe. Typically I'm unable to hold a thought long enough to become obsessed with it so.... He did get up, ate (said donut) and was in good spirits, so I tilt towards allergies rather then sick.
Any potty training tips/rewards/advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jacquie

opinions are like *ssholes

I just spent 20 minutes writing a long post. hit publish and voila.... gone.
Now you all will get the short story.

Went to back to school last night, and left my mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother to take care of Ben.

Came home, brents mom is gone, and my mom is going off! Come to hear, brents mother is saying we completely neglect ben, and brents two sisters are so disgusted they won't talk about it anymore. All we do is sit him in front of the TV.

Think I got mad... wrong... she's been such an asshole so many times I just nodded and sat down to cold spaghetti and meatballs.

Brent calls one sister (denial) she calls the other sister (denial) and that one calls the mother to ream her.

Either way, I'll no longer be dealing with the mother-in-law, and probably as little as possible with the sister-in-laws. (In my book your guilty until proven innocent)

All this in 1.5 hours of being out of the house. no wonder we all always travel together.

Ain't it the Way.....

Went to the dentist last night expecting a cleaning. Turns out he gave me a root canal...

Sounds like the begining of a really bad country song doesn't it? Well it's true. Not only did I get suprised with it, but it hurts like h*ll! I had one before, and unless root canal is like labor and you "forget" the pain, the last one didn't hurt. I'm begining to lack confidence in my dentist. He's a nice guy and I like going to him.... but.....

My Benjamin went peeps on the potty this morning!!! What a wonderful way to start the day. He's gone a couple of times, a long while ago, but this morning he woke up dry (which he usually does) and I figured why not?
I offered Ben a donut if he made a little peep for me.... voila.... I can't tell you it wasnt' mainly off the seat and onto the floor, but really who gives a hoot. Just let get him used to it! Then even scammed Daddy into going out for the bananana.

Back to school night tonight. Get to meet Bens new teacher and his aids. I met the teacher before for about a 1/2 hour, but not the aids.

Bens teacher from last year is gone on Maternaty leave. We go to school to meet this new teacher and what do you think... pregnant...
She spent a good amount of time apologizing. Not how we would have hoped, but... we wish her the best.

I'll let you know how brilliant ben is tomorow.... or how blind his teachers are not to see how brilliant he is... either way....

damn that chucky cheese to hell!

Well.... The last two nights ben has been looking at us, grabbing our cheeks and holding our heads still while he gazes puposefully into our eyes. The whole time repeating over and over..."Chucky EESSESS??"
Needless to say the word no is not what he's hoping/expecting/tolerating. That's probably the danger of constanly rewarding him for his vocalizations. Whenever has asks for something I do try my hardest to honor it, in an effort to show him how asking and communicating are beneficial to him. Of course most of his vocalization is "Donut, hamburger, pizza"... you get the drift.

So you ever think about the future? That is one scary thing. I still see Ben as a baby/little boy. My husband and I refer to him as "the baby". See the disfunction working here LOL. Well, much of what he does now is relatively easy to control, redirect.... but he's begining...... begining to get a little bigger where picking him up is more difficult.... dealing with him angry.. a little harder.
I think I fear the future BIG TIME!
I've found a website of a mother with a 18/19 yr old autistic boy. I started reading her posts from 2007. I haven't caught up to her present yet. 2007 is dealing with her and her husband deciding whether or not to find housing for their son. He became aggressive and intimidating. How can I bear to even think this could be my reality in the future?
What was her child like? I think I read he was a happy guy, but that can't be........
Her blog is interesting, if you're interested it's http://susansenator.com/blog/index.html

I'm going to live in the present as much as possible. I'm going to enjoy these days of Chucky Cheese being the silver lining, and pick Ben up as much as possible..... before that icky "future" crap comes up and bites me on the *ss.

It's his world... I'm just living in it

We went to Chucky Cheese this weekend.... TWICE.....
Friday night I had to drop my car off at the dealership. It's 4 months old, and the blessed wildlife had decided to chew the wires that operate the entire right side lighting of my car. Cost 240.00 and I swear they just used electircal tape. The car dealership is in the direction.. no, not right next door to, but the direction of my sister-in-laws house. Her house has a pool, and guess who is OBSSESED with swimming. you got it!
He was having quite the fit at not going, so I bribed him with Chucky Cheese. I'm not proud, but I'm not completely embarresed either. I just love to see the little guy happy!
Saturday night we had a gift certficate to Red Lobster, so why not? Guess what. It's in the same complex as....Chucky Cheese. He started to have a fit going in to dinner, and we were dreading it, but he relaxed quickly, enjoyed the atmosphere (not a bite eaten) til the bitter end. As Ben and I got up to go outside, he said the dreaded words... Chucky Cheeses! and off we went.... Turns out it wasn't so bad. Brent had himself a good ole time (Bens dad) He played soccer, had a sketch of himself done... made the most of it!
Sunday we went to a pumpkin festival. Rides, petting zoo, pony rides, all that good stuff. Needless to say, we were outside all weekend long, and not a stitch of cleaning got done. Our immune systems will thank me for it one day!
I did get to make 4 doz cookies, and 4 loads of laundry, so all was not lost.

How do you know if you're right?

So in a previous post I discussed that most of what I do, I do because I think I'm right. That still goes.
I've been wondering lately if I really am or not.
Ben is a very happy guy. I know that we are blessed in so many areas with him. Every night that I read him his books, and he snuggles right down to sleep peacefully thru the night.. Each night, I know we're lucky. I've heard other mothers in Bens school say how their children just don't sleep.
Each night Ben eats a healthy, and somewhat variable dinner, I know we're lucky. Other children are still on puree in his class.
My Ben laughs and takes complete joy in his world more often then not. We're lucky.
Now.... I attribute Ben's happiness and ability to be flexible with his father and I. Sorta along the way of God gave us the child we were intended to have, and gave Ben the parents he needed. (arrogant huh?) Lately I've been wondering if I've been putting too much enfesses on his happiness, and not enough into his improvement. Ben comes home from school/daycare and jumps into my bed to watch a couple "Diego" episodes. This is great for me, giving me time to get changed/dinner started/ dog out/ a cup of coffee. My rationale is he has LONG days. He's picked up on the bus at 8:30A.... goes to school until 2:30, gets bussed to daycare, and then I pick him up at 5:45. That's a long day for a little kid.
All the while in the back of my head I'm hearing "turn off the tv, let him help with dinner, talk to him, talk to him, talk to him.
Ben can have a fit when he doesn't get his way. (takes after me). I usually will just ride it out, talk to him quietly, divert his attention. This works (sometimes it takes a while but eh...). At dinner on Monday Night Ben ran out my sister-in-laws back door trying to get to the pool. My husband had had it, and yelled. It pretty much stopped him, and he forgot about going outside and sat down. he didn't get upset, but he knew the end was there.
I worry I don't challenge him, talk to him, discipline, teach him......enough......

you?

the word sorry

Yesterday I went to synagouge. My husband likes to attend at least once a year. For him it's Yom Kippor, for me church is Xmas and hopefully Easter.
The purpose of yesterdays lesson was repenting. Saying your sorry for even you every-day shortfalls. If your ignorant, rude, unfaithful, uncaring... knowing to say sorry.....
Also, being able to accept an apology. truly accept it.
Well. This is a good lesson, and quite honestly the world would be a better place if more people could say. look, I was wrong and I feel bad about it. and then the apology was accepted and all moved on. Godly I say,.
Well I suck at all the steps listed above. I hate to say I'm sorry. (If I step on your foot, or drop the door before your thru, no big deal) but the biggy sorries... HATE IT!!!
I'm not a huge communicator as is. I'd rather dole out the silent treatment until I'm over what ever is bothering me. When I get mad I'm a TOTAL BITCH, and will say whatever I damn well please, no matter how nasty it is.
If I'm the one who's wrong, I'm much more apt to SHOW I'm sorry. If I know I was a total bitch for no real reason, I do little things for Brent. Bring him a snack, offer some token that shows I know I was wrong.

Now... when someone says sorry to me. (and it's a biggy sorry). I can't say I forgive people so easy. Forgive and never forget. We all know it's true. I can't help it. I'm a grudge holder. fool me once, shame on you,,,,yadda yadda yadda

you?

I hate being broke

This was one boring ass weekend!
We're a little tight with cash right now so there was no fun or frivolity this weekend.
Friday Night I cooked frozen Elios' pizza. To add insult to injury, I dropped each sheet of pizza thru the grates and lost the cheese on 95% of it. That left us eating sauce and crust... Brent was chivilourous and said he'd take the bad piece.... I had to ask which one.
Saturday, Brent took my 2009 car for its free oil change. How ya think that worked out. While he was there he mentioned I needed a right turn signal. Too easy. Turns out a squirrel (or something) had chewed the wires in my car and I have NO lights on the right hand side. No brake lights, headlights, etc. This will cost a whopping 240.00 to fix. Not to mention we haven't had a lot of luck elsewhere, because some shops don't have 2009 parts yet,,
Sunday I baked for the holiday tonight (Yom Kippor) I baked an apple cake (which is too pretty to eat) and 8 dozen cookies (don't ask me why) I baked extra cookies so Ben could enjoy some. He picked one up, smelled it, and thru it on the ground. little critic!
Anyone who has little boys may find this story funny, and have full sympathy for my sister-in-law. That was my reaction. I laughed, but feel her pain as if it were my own.
My 11 year old nephew decided for GOD ONLY KNOWS what reason to get black and orange spray paint this weekend and decorate her house and outside fence. She lives in a nice neighborhood, but it's by no means rural. She and her husband had him outside scrubbing for 2 hours and went to buy mineral oil something. She and the father asked him "WHY!" and he truly had no answer. Poor kids. So many things seem like a good idea at the time, and suddenly reality stops by for a visit.
Can't wait to see the art work tonight (dinners at her house!) LOL

platapus

This blog has nothing to do with a platapus. I'm just sick of titling my blogs to the section of the week. BORING
Nothing exciting, and yet the days are full. Ben has a KILLER bruise on his legs. Ben has sensory issues and is forever jumping, tumbling, hanging, you get the idea. We bought new furniture in January. We started out buying relatively expensive furniture, nicely designed, etc. After 15 hours, 8 furniture stores, and a numb ass from sitting on various pieces, we (smartly) decided to go cheap.
While the grown up in us said "get a beautiful matching set", the benjamin in us decided.... We don't want to have to worry about his butter fingers on the couch, we don't want to worry about his freshly shitted ass being changed, etc. again SMART move on our part. The couch we bought is almost all heavily cushioned. the seats, backs and arms. All but the one little piece holding it all together. Ben jumps from the couch to the recliner and BAM. When he cries, we know it had to hurt. This is a child who doesn't acknowledge a lot of pain. He fell off the back of the couch a few weeks back, whacked his head on the molding (one of those insta-lump situations) cried for 15 seconds until he heard the theme song from the wonder pets. Suddenly crying lost its appeal.
When we bought our couches we were saying we'd be satisfied if we replaced them in 5 years. Ben has arched and peed on them, the dog Fletcher has gotten excited and peed on them.... your following the idea. Suddenly 5 years seems optomistic. I don't know about you, but my mother and grandmothers furniture lasted 20+. Are things just made cheap or does our generation have no respect for furniture? I'm seriously curious.....
Well.... Have a great weekend, and may something fun, sweet, or profitable happen... and for me too!

mid-week

I have a dentist appointment tonight. Nothing like working all day, rushing home, and having that to look forward to. It's an old joke, but why do dentist talk so much? You can't answer them, and you don't want them concentrating on anything but their task at hand. Shut up already!

I'm in a slump. In a slump at work, in a slump at home..... Each day I get up, sure that there are big bags under my eyes from not getting enough sleep (there are no bags), I take the dog out. It's not for a walk, it's for a drag thru the neighborhood. He gets up at 5:50AM and then wants to sniff every leaf. I'm so effected by guilt, that I feel like we got this dog, so I have to spend the time and energy on him. He's going to be penned up all day, so he needs a walk in the AM and some exercise/play in the PM. My husband is the big dummy that wanted the dog, but is he bothered by any of these feelings of guilt? NO.
I drive 1- 1 1/2 hours to work depending on the traffic, work all day, and then beat the traffic home. I feel guilty when Ben is one of the last kids at pre-school, run home.... Ben wants his show on, shoes off, the dog has to pee BAD, I have to pee BAD, and everyone thinks their first. Ben usually wins that battle.
Make the dinner. Bathe, read to,and put Ben to bed. The husband......arghhhhh.
The husband feels I should do all this while I dance on lillies and aim to please him.... ass

The other day, after getting home from walking the dog, and had showered my husband asked me if I had bought his clean clothes up from the basement. I hadn's so I went and got them.
That night while eating dinner, he hands me his plate to re-fill. I ask him why he couldn't get his own clothes or re-fill his own plate. His response:"Are you getting your period again, because we just went thru this..." Cue music........Scream!

Another week begins

Well the weekend came and went as quickly as ever.
We had a holiday dinner on Saturday night. As I've said before my husband is Jewish, so it was the Jewish New Year.
I spent Saturday power cleaning (which I HATE) and cooking (again the H word)
As I've said before, I have no lost love for my mother-in-law, and knew she'd be making herself center stage. My thought was, if I spent my time, energy, and money cleaning, cooking, serving, shopping..... why should she have the power to make this miserabel.
Now two options came to mind:
Hit the wine early
F*ck with her
I decided on my second option. hehehehe. I was as friendly and sweet as could be. Saw the wheels turning in her mind, and almost the ..huh, guess that's done. Next time she stops by, I'll ice her out again. She'll never know what starts me or stops me. sick?... maybe, but..... I enjoyed myself!

My Benjamin.... ahhh the lovely child he is. He was feeling his oats this weekend. He was playing on one of those large balls with handles you use to bounce on.. repeatedly we told him to take it on the grass and not the concrete... he continued to go back to the concrete, until guess what happened. whack. He was annoyed by this whack on the head, so like something out of the three stooges, when I bent down to see how he was he held my face with one hand, and slapped me with the other. Must of made him feel better, because off he went to enjoy his day.

Dementia

I have dementia. I've tried to get on to post for three days. I'd swear I put in the right username and password. So sure I thought google had been hacked and I had missed it on the news.
That little piece of insight should tell you a lot about me. I can't be messing up... this multi million user program is to blame..... ahhhhhh how sweet it is.
My husband always likes to say I think I'm always right. Don't most people. When you're talking do you typically ramble about things you know nothing about? No.... so doesn't it make sense if I'm talking and giving an opinion I think I'm right?

Anywhoo.... My husband is Jewish. This Saturday I'm going to be having about a dozen people for dinner. How prepared am I.. That's right kids.. not at all!!!! I spent the past weekend just getting rid of the shit laying around the house, so when I actually clean I can hit the surfaces instead of all the crap laying on top. Now that's planning.

I'll be cooking Matzah Ball Soup and other random items. If there's one thing I can do, (Though I HATE it!) it's cook. Truly a curse! The one thing that has NEVER come out for me is Brisket. It's interesting because we've always busted Brent's sisters balls HARD about her cooking and she makes a killer brisket.

what goes along with a family dinner.. That's right kids... family. I'm fine with all but 1. I don't know why at this point I dispise my mother-in-law as much as I do. We've hit rough patches along our way, but I truly loathe her right now. I can live with this, but I do feel a little bad for the hubby. He is a sissy when it comes to his mother, and that annoys me.....

I could tell stories that would leave you sending your mother flowers. She was born an only child ...... that's probably the start of it.

Well, I'll get back to Ben and Fletcher tomorow...until then.....

Back to School

My son went back to school yesterday. This isn't as big a deal for us as it is for many others. I thank god we live in the cherry hill school district! Ben was in school for a six week program over the summer. They provided transporation and he went from 9-1:30 instead of the school years 9-2:30.

Ben had a two week break in the begining of the summer and a two week break at the end, so going back to school is a blip.

I am very lucky. (Don't quote me) Ben has no problem with switching from school, to summer camp, to vacation, and back to school. We talk to him and tell him what's coming. His dad and I know he's listening and processing, because he's never suprised.

When he started at the Learning Center back in March, which he goes to after school, Ben and I visited one day for about 2 1/2 hrs. We intended to go again the next day but we had snow. We had no choice but to send him on Monday from school on the bus. There I was at the learning center, hiding in the office watching the closed circuit TV. He gets off his bus, pretty as you please, and walks right to the classroom we had visited on Thursday. No problems, no issues, just "here I am world"

That makes me lucky.

Back to routine. It's somewhat welcome.

Last night I fooled myself into believing I was dipping into domestic bliss. I had my active 4 year old, and my 15 week old puppy penned in the den. Which is now a play room. I peeked in, and there was Ben sitting IN his toy box and the dog passively chewing a toy.

I made dinner, set the table, and genuially enjoyed the peace and thought the two "boys" where getting along so nicely.

That's until I walked into the living room and saw my cell phone. Obviously the dog had tried chewing that first. It now is held together by a single rusted bolt... or something like that.

Ben, feeling artistic, had decided to use his beautiful marker on our wall. I walk into the den to school Fletcher (the dog) and see a picasso by Ben.

I tried getting Ben's attention to ask about the portrait, but convienently this time he didn't hear me. I then walked him over and inquired. He simply looked at me and said "it's a smiley face"

Though it's in Crayola washabel markers, which I SWEAR by!!!! They are truly washable, I've left it up to enjoy it, It looks so nice against our newly painted wall!!!!

I'm back. I know nobody has missed me, but I'll say it anyway!

I'm just getting back from a week at the shore, and then the long labor day weekend. It felt sooo good.

I was at the shore with Ben, my mother and grandmother. I seriously couldn't tell you which of those canidates were the highest maintenance.

Ben LOVED the water. It was 74 degrees, and choppy most of the time. He didn't want to hold my hand and kept trying to go out deeper. This impressed many around us, but I would have prefered the more timid child who only wanted to go in up to his ankles. Now that would have been a vacation!

As far as sensory, he was not bothered by the salt water nor sand. They're constantly doing beach restroation. That's probably because of kids like Ben who carry 1/2 the beach home in every body orfice. The tub held enough to sustain several sand crabs, oysters, etc.

A cute story was Ben and I were digging in the sand. He wasn't paying me a lot of attention, so I put my finger out of the sand a bit, and asked him what that? He started staring and said... it's... it's... it's a toe!...

He thought we had dug some miscelianious toe our of the sand. That of course got me hysterical, and I don't think he pinpointed exactly what was so funny, but he did laugh too.

The rides were a lot of fun. I finally let him go on the flying elephants and airplanes alone. He was able to pull the joy stick back and make them go up. Getting to be such a big boy!

The 10 day's off were jam packed. Sunday we went to a pary at my sister-in-laws, where he spent the entire time going off her diving board. Ben's dad was thrilled and excited at how well he did, I again, was the nervous wreck. He made it out without a mark, so GO DAD!!!

Nice to be home

The first

I just was reading a blog by autism's bitch and it was litteraly the first time I've read a blog that I could laugh at and see myself.
Often blogs can be depressing or used as a teaching tool. This one used the work fuck... which I like... which I use on a daily basis.
Autism isn't funny, but we are still aloud to laugh.
My husband and I are devoted to our son. Our worlds revolve around him. His success are celebrated like no others. It's just hard sometimes when those successes are so minimal others wouldn't notice them. Our son turned 4 in July. The past weekend he finally learned how to blow the paper off the straw at us. Well... you'd think he'd just earned a graduate degree. But it was his success!
This week, he for the first time sang along with the Wonder Pets.... Success!!!

Along with dealing with Ben... we have family.... ooooooooo

My husband mother seems to love that Ben has autism. She was the first to notice that my perfect child wasn't perfect. I'll never forgive her for this.

My mother still see's the perfect child. "If Ben was autistic he wouldn't be able to tranition so easily like he does".... Well if Ben wasn't autistic he would talk, look at me, answer that age old question of do you want milk or juice?

I really do plan on venting, so... if you have a perfect life...turn aound now. If not.. Welcome to my world!